This week is hard for me as it has been for the last 10 years. In 3 days it will mark 10 years since my adoptive mother paseed away. The next couple of posts will be about her since she is all that I can think about this week
This song .which you will find in my playlist on the side of my blog, is dedicated to my mother. The one who adopteded me, brought me up, cared for me, was always there for me and made me who I am today. This song was always a favorite of my mother's. I remembered the look on her face when I first played it for her. She had a proud smile on her face cause she knew that even though I could not say the words"I love you", those were the words what were coming from my heart through this song.
There's a part in the song that really stood out for me:
"And you took up for me
When everyone was downin' me
You always did understand
You gave me strength to go on "
This part of the song stands out to me because it brings me back to when I found out I was pregnant with my son. I was in my 2nd year of University and so my education was a priority to my parents. When I got pregnant I was so ashamed of myself becaue it wasn't a planned thing and I was not married and I did not plan on staying with the father. I also knew that dropping out of University wasn't an option. So I decided that I wasn't going to keep the baby. I could of never had an abortion because it goes against everything that I believe in. But putting my baby up for adoption was clearly an option that I was considering. And besides I had family members who where against me haaving and keeping the baby. My mother spoke up and told me that she didn't care what everyone else said. She was going to stand by me and do everything she could to help me raise the baby. I cried and cried and cried because I knew that I didn't want to lose my son to adoption. I also didn't realize that my mother would support me the way that she did. I am so thankful for her and I know that she is proud and looking down from heaven and smiling at me.
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
A Song For Mama By Boyz II Men
You taught me everything
And everything you've given me
I always keep it inside
You're the driving force in my life, yeah
There isn't anything
Or anyone I can be
And it just wouldn't feel right
If I didn't have you by my side
You were there for me to love and care for me
When skies were grey
Whenever I was down
You were always there to comfort me
And no one else can be what you have been to me
You'll always be you always will be the girl
In my life for all times
[Chorus: ]
Mama, mama you know I love you
Oh you know I love you
Mama, mama you're the queen of my heart
Your love is like
Tears from the stars
Mama, I just want you to know
Lovin' you is like food to my soul
You're always down for me
Have always been around for me even when I was bad
You showed me right from my wrong
Yes you did
And you took up for me
When everyone was downin' me
You always did understand
You gave me strength to go on
There was so many times
Looking back when I was so afraid
And then you come to me
And say to me I can face anything
And no one else can do
What you have done for me
You'll always be
You will always be the girl in my life
[Chorus: ]
Mama, mama you know I love you
Oh you know I love you
Mama, mama you're the queen of my heart
Your love is like
Tears from the stars
Mama, I just want you to know
Lovin' you is like food to my soul
Never gonna go a day without you
Fills me up just thinking of you
I'll never go a day without my mama
[Chorus: ]
Mama, mama you know I love you
Oh you know I love you
Mama, mama you're the queen of my heart
Your love is like
Tears from the stars
Mama, I just want you to know
Lovin' you is like food to my soul
♥♥♥I Love You Mom♥♥♥
♥♥♥RIP- Feb.20th,2000♥♥♥
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
So Close But Yet So Far Away
I was adopted at the age of 18months. Even though I was so young, I can remember bits and pieces of that day. I remember that I was wearing a yeallow frilly dress and I can remember the social worker bringing me into the home of my adoptive parents. Those memories faded from my memory when I was younger but now I can recall them so clearly. I was in a foster home before I was adopted but really don't know much about when I went there or how long I was there. My adoptive family consisted of 2 older boys who were my parents' biological sons and then later on, my sister of, no biological relation, was also adopted.
I can't remember at what age my parents told my sister and I that we were adopted but I knew that it was a shock to us. When my sister and I were younger, our brother's use to tease us all the time about being adopted but we didn't believe them. And so I believe that was when my parents decided to tell my
sister and I. In the back of my mind though I knew that I was different but really couldn't put a finger on it.
Growing up I can't say that knowing I was adopted didn't bother me, cause it did. But because of other circumstances going on in my life I built a wall around myself and blocked the feelings like they never existed. I other things I had to deal with.
The family that I grew up in was a good christian family. We went to church every Sunday, my parents held small group at our house, they were very liked and well-known people. Even though love was not a commen word to come out of my parent's mouths, I knew that they loved me and I loved them. But their lack of showing affection has plainly affected me immensely. It's not the full reason why I hide myself behind walls but it is part of the reason (Other reasons I may write about at another time)....
So now let me skip ahead a few years to how I learned about my bmom's name
In 1995, my adoptive mother managed a corner store about 20 minutes from where I live. So I was working one day and a women and a little boy bring their stuff up to the counter. I looked the lady in the eyes and smiled like I did with all of my customers. I rung her stuff in and I smiled at the cute little boy that was with the lady. I could tell that he was happy that his mother was buying him a treat.....I remember this day so well. When they left my amother askes me if I knew who that lady was. Not knowing what she was going to say, I answered no. Then she proceeded to tell me that it was my BIRTHMOTHER!!!! and told me what her name was.
Like WOW!!...I was thinking how was it that we were so close but yet so far away for all these years. Then the anger/resentment/jelousy/rejection sets in. I was wondering how/why did she have another child when she didn't want me? Curiosity lingered in my mind for a very long time but again a wall went up and I kept it all inside. From that one encouter I never forgotten "B's" face or her name. It was etched in my memory permanently. Whenever I travelled to the area where I first saw "B", I would always look around to see if I could see her. I did see her a few times including last summer but I never approached her. I mean what would I say? "Hi, I'm the daughter you gave up for adoption, remember me?". I would have never done that. It just doesn't work that. I was hurt and I was not ready to deal with the adoption stuff.
Behind a wall it went.
So now it's 15 years......You can read what happened next in my 1st blog "IT'S ALMOST HERE"
I can't remember at what age my parents told my sister and I that we were adopted but I knew that it was a shock to us. When my sister and I were younger, our brother's use to tease us all the time about being adopted but we didn't believe them. And so I believe that was when my parents decided to tell my
sister and I. In the back of my mind though I knew that I was different but really couldn't put a finger on it.
Growing up I can't say that knowing I was adopted didn't bother me, cause it did. But because of other circumstances going on in my life I built a wall around myself and blocked the feelings like they never existed. I other things I had to deal with.
The family that I grew up in was a good christian family. We went to church every Sunday, my parents held small group at our house, they were very liked and well-known people. Even though love was not a commen word to come out of my parent's mouths, I knew that they loved me and I loved them. But their lack of showing affection has plainly affected me immensely. It's not the full reason why I hide myself behind walls but it is part of the reason (Other reasons I may write about at another time)....
So now let me skip ahead a few years to how I learned about my bmom's name
In 1995, my adoptive mother managed a corner store about 20 minutes from where I live. So I was working one day and a women and a little boy bring their stuff up to the counter. I looked the lady in the eyes and smiled like I did with all of my customers. I rung her stuff in and I smiled at the cute little boy that was with the lady. I could tell that he was happy that his mother was buying him a treat.....I remember this day so well. When they left my amother askes me if I knew who that lady was. Not knowing what she was going to say, I answered no. Then she proceeded to tell me that it was my BIRTHMOTHER!!!! and told me what her name was.
Like WOW!!...I was thinking how was it that we were so close but yet so far away for all these years. Then the anger/resentment/jelousy/rejection sets in. I was wondering how/why did she have another child when she didn't want me? Curiosity lingered in my mind for a very long time but again a wall went up and I kept it all inside. From that one encouter I never forgotten "B's" face or her name. It was etched in my memory permanently. Whenever I travelled to the area where I first saw "B", I would always look around to see if I could see her. I did see her a few times including last summer but I never approached her. I mean what would I say? "Hi, I'm the daughter you gave up for adoption, remember me?". I would have never done that. It just doesn't work that. I was hurt and I was not ready to deal with the adoption stuff.
Behind a wall it went.
So now it's 15 years......You can read what happened next in my 1st blog "IT'S ALMOST HERE"
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Emotional Rollercoaster
Well it has been a week since I reunited with my birthmother.
I had everything planned out. I was suppose to be at the restaurent before her. That didn't happen. She was there before I was. I rushed into the restaurant as fast as I could, looked to my left and there she was. She was sitting on the couch at the front enterance waiting on my arrival. When our eyes meet we both smiled with excitment. "B" stood up and we gave each other a hug. We pulled away and then "B" came in for another hug. I openly went in for the embrace.
We were seated and we looked at each other. I nervously began to laugh (something I sometimes do when I am overly nervous). As we sat across each other, our conversation began. It was light. Nothing too heavy. We talked about work, our likes and dislikes, my boys, her son (my bbrother), her family and of course, the weather!
We did talk about some adoption stuff. She told me that she had no idea on how to find me. She was sadden at the fact that all these years we were only 20 minutes apart from each other and that her father knew where I was all these years but didn't tell her. It was his decsion that broke the mother/daughter connection 33 years ago. Her mother wanted to keep me but because of his status in the church, the talk around town and the fact that my bmom was only 15 and needed to finish school, my bgrandfther decided that putting me up for adoption was the best thing to do.
"I was with you in the hospital the whole time" says "B", "right up until they took you. My heart sunk. I ordered my food not really knowing how to take it. I replied that I was adopted at 18months out of a foster home but I clearly did not know where I was for the previous months. Was I in the foster home from a baby? "B" did not know the answer and I clearly did not know. My adoptive mother would be able to answer that question but she died 10 years ago this month. I do have connection with my foster mother who just lives up the road form me. I guess if I want the answer than I will have to ask her.
As I sat listening to "B" tell me all about her relatives, I had a revelation of how I felt meeting her.
I am usually a very emotional person. I can cry at the drop of a hat. SO I really thought that I would spend the whole time crying. I didn't shed a tear. Not even when we first laid eyes on each other. I was sitting there feeling like I was talking to a friend that I haven't seen in a while. We sent messages to each other everyday before we met and I was starting to feel a connection with "B". But that same connection did not play out at our reunion. I was just not feeling it.
I've taken some time off from emailing "B" this week. She emailed me the breakdown of her mother and her father's families. As much as I was happy to get the family history, it added to the overwheming feeling that has taken over me. It's a big family and I am not ready to open myself up to meeting them. I only have a desire to build a relationsip with "B" and my birthbrother "T". I really wasn't ready for this emotional rollercoaster. I've waited a long time for this reunion and now there are days where I feel like I could go the rest of my life not contacting her again. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME??? I was told that my feelings were normal. But I don't like them and so I find myself sleeping my sorrows away when I can. I have yet to cry. I feeling like crying but the tears just won't come out. Again, I was not ready for these feelings. I thought that the excitment, the joy would last forever cause I finally found what I've been looking for, MY BMOM. But my walls just want to go back up. CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN!
I did send "B" an email tonight and it made me feel good just to know that it is something that I can freely do. I told her that I was still here and that I am not going anywheres. I told her that I was just taking some time to process it all.
Despite the bad feelings I have, this is a journey that I have stepped into and I am in it all the way. I know that building a relationship with "B" is going to take alot of time, energy and alot of prayer. I do know that "B" is in it all the way and has metioned several times in her emails that " now that I have found her, she doesn't want to let me go." Deep down in my heart I do feel the same way about her.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE." -Jeremiah 29:11
This is one of my favorite verses in the Bible. It's so great to know that my relationship with "B" and "T" are part of God's plan for my life and so therefore whatever comes out of it will not harm me in any way even if at times it may look that way. It's a stepping stone that will bring me closer to God, with a sense of security knowing that He knows how this will all come together.
I had everything planned out. I was suppose to be at the restaurent before her. That didn't happen. She was there before I was. I rushed into the restaurant as fast as I could, looked to my left and there she was. She was sitting on the couch at the front enterance waiting on my arrival. When our eyes meet we both smiled with excitment. "B" stood up and we gave each other a hug. We pulled away and then "B" came in for another hug. I openly went in for the embrace.
We were seated and we looked at each other. I nervously began to laugh (something I sometimes do when I am overly nervous). As we sat across each other, our conversation began. It was light. Nothing too heavy. We talked about work, our likes and dislikes, my boys, her son (my bbrother), her family and of course, the weather!
We did talk about some adoption stuff. She told me that she had no idea on how to find me. She was sadden at the fact that all these years we were only 20 minutes apart from each other and that her father knew where I was all these years but didn't tell her. It was his decsion that broke the mother/daughter connection 33 years ago. Her mother wanted to keep me but because of his status in the church, the talk around town and the fact that my bmom was only 15 and needed to finish school, my bgrandfther decided that putting me up for adoption was the best thing to do.
"I was with you in the hospital the whole time" says "B", "right up until they took you. My heart sunk. I ordered my food not really knowing how to take it. I replied that I was adopted at 18months out of a foster home but I clearly did not know where I was for the previous months. Was I in the foster home from a baby? "B" did not know the answer and I clearly did not know. My adoptive mother would be able to answer that question but she died 10 years ago this month. I do have connection with my foster mother who just lives up the road form me. I guess if I want the answer than I will have to ask her.
As I sat listening to "B" tell me all about her relatives, I had a revelation of how I felt meeting her.
I am usually a very emotional person. I can cry at the drop of a hat. SO I really thought that I would spend the whole time crying. I didn't shed a tear. Not even when we first laid eyes on each other. I was sitting there feeling like I was talking to a friend that I haven't seen in a while. We sent messages to each other everyday before we met and I was starting to feel a connection with "B". But that same connection did not play out at our reunion. I was just not feeling it.
I've taken some time off from emailing "B" this week. She emailed me the breakdown of her mother and her father's families. As much as I was happy to get the family history, it added to the overwheming feeling that has taken over me. It's a big family and I am not ready to open myself up to meeting them. I only have a desire to build a relationsip with "B" and my birthbrother "T". I really wasn't ready for this emotional rollercoaster. I've waited a long time for this reunion and now there are days where I feel like I could go the rest of my life not contacting her again. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME??? I was told that my feelings were normal. But I don't like them and so I find myself sleeping my sorrows away when I can. I have yet to cry. I feeling like crying but the tears just won't come out. Again, I was not ready for these feelings. I thought that the excitment, the joy would last forever cause I finally found what I've been looking for, MY BMOM. But my walls just want to go back up. CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN!
I did send "B" an email tonight and it made me feel good just to know that it is something that I can freely do. I told her that I was still here and that I am not going anywheres. I told her that I was just taking some time to process it all.
Despite the bad feelings I have, this is a journey that I have stepped into and I am in it all the way. I know that building a relationship with "B" is going to take alot of time, energy and alot of prayer. I do know that "B" is in it all the way and has metioned several times in her emails that " now that I have found her, she doesn't want to let me go." Deep down in my heart I do feel the same way about her.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE." -Jeremiah 29:11
This is one of my favorite verses in the Bible. It's so great to know that my relationship with "B" and "T" are part of God's plan for my life and so therefore whatever comes out of it will not harm me in any way even if at times it may look that way. It's a stepping stone that will bring me closer to God, with a sense of security knowing that He knows how this will all come together.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Today is the Day
Well today is the day. It's 9:00 and in approximatly 6 hours from now, I will be reunited with the women who gave birth to me 33 years ago. Part of me is excited about this reunion so much that I wish I was on my way out the door now. Another part of me is so nervous that it's making me not want to go. But nonetheless I will be there at the restaurant waiting for her arrival.
As I open the book to my devotional for today, here was my verse to meditate on:
``Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my Path.``- Psalm 119:105
Wow so very fitting for what I am about to face today. So this is my prayer:
``Lord light my way and direct me in each step that I make today. Give me wisdon, strength, and boldness for every word, thought and emotion that comes from my heart today. Put a hedge of protection over me and guard my heart. I put all my trust in you. Amen.``
As I open the book to my devotional for today, here was my verse to meditate on:
``Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my Path.``- Psalm 119:105
Wow so very fitting for what I am about to face today. So this is my prayer:
``Lord light my way and direct me in each step that I make today. Give me wisdon, strength, and boldness for every word, thought and emotion that comes from my heart today. Put a hedge of protection over me and guard my heart. I put all my trust in you. Amen.``
Thursday, February 4, 2010
IT'S ALMOST HERE!!!!
If you had of asked me a couple of months ago about if being adopted has effected my life, I would have told you no.
I will post my adoption story in a later post. But because Saturday is fast approaching I figured that I should talk about this in my first post. So what is so big about Saturday you say? Well it's the day that I am going to meet my bmom for the first time!!!!. Nervous/anxious/scared/happy is what is running through my mind right now.
So many questions to ask. So many answers to hear. So much stuff unkown.
So many things to tell her. So many tears to shed. A lifetime of things for us to share.
Well how did I find her you ask?
Facebook. Yes good old Facebook. I always knew my bmom's name (I'll explain in a later post). So after many late night conversations with a good friend, which always included adoption stuff amongst other things, I started getting more and more curious about my bmom. Plus I have been reading her blog and alot of other blosgs that were attached to hers..... So one night I nervously typed her name into facebook and there she was.
My own reflection looking back at me.
Was this real? or was this all just a dream?
Reality quickly set in.
So when I found her I quickly sent the picture to my dearest friend. She has been such a great suppport and help in all of this. She insisted that I write a message to her right away. I needed time. I was excited that I found my bmom but really what do I say to her? Lots of prayer was definitely the best route.
"Lord what do I do?"
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths" -Proverbs 3:5-6
My answer was clearly set out before me in this verse. After the 4th day from the time I found her, it was time to write the first message. In it I stated that she may be my bmom and gave her my birthdate....
Would she think I was crazy and not write back?
And so the waiting began.
She wrote back the next night. Needless to say that she wanted me to prove that I was her daughter. So I gave her my birthname. A few hours later she replied back.
It was offical. She confirmed that I was her "DAUGHTER". She was my "MOTHER".
The separation that happened at birth 33 years ago was finally coming to an end. That book was being closed and so now a new one was about to begin. Through many messages we got to know a little bit about each other it was very clear that we both wanted to meet and that we wanted to start building a relationship. So after a week of our reunion I was ready and so we made a date to meet for the following Saturday.
Oh yes and something that I don't want to leave out. I have a brother. A younger brother whom I hope to meet somtime. "B" (bmom) and I decided that her and I would meet and get to know each other before we brought kids into the mix. (I have 2 boys of my own).
Needless to say after 2 weeks of finding my bmom, on February 6th, 2010, 3 days from today, I am going to be meeting her. Wow I can't believe it's almost here!!! I will arrive at the restaurant before her as I need some time to collect my thoughts, get the nerves under control and do lots of praying. What will my reaction be when our eyes meet? I don't know. Probably tears. What will the first thing that I say to her? I don't know. Probably hi. What will I call her? I don't know. Haven't really thought that one out. But more than likely, Brenda. Will this book be an easy one to write? I don't know. Probably not.
But I do know this:
God is before me in all of this. HE will give me the strength and knowledge that I need through it all. Before I knew that this day was coming, HE already knew it was going to happen. (How awesome is that!) God has placed this journey before me and I am willing to let HIM lead me down it one step at a time.
Page by page, chapter by chapter. A new book of life is going to be written, this time with 2 extra people in it. My bmom, "B" and my bbrother, "T". Am I happy to start this new book? I sure am. When will this book end? I hope not soon.
Why?
So many questions to ask.
So many answers to hear. So much stuff umknown.
So many things to tell her.
So many tears to shed.
A lifetime of things for us to share.
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