Emotional Rollercoaster

Well it has been a week since I reunited with my birthmother.

I had everything planned out. I was suppose to be at the restaurent before her. That didn't happen. She was there before I was. I rushed into the restaurant as fast as I could, looked to my left and there she was. She was sitting on the couch at the front enterance waiting on my arrival. When our eyes meet we both smiled with excitment. "B" stood up and we gave each other a hug. We pulled away and then "B" came in for another hug. I openly went in for the embrace.

We were seated and we looked at each other. I nervously began to laugh (something I sometimes do when I am overly nervous).  As we sat across each other, our conversation began. It was light. Nothing too heavy.  We talked about work, our likes and dislikes, my boys, her son (my bbrother), her family and of course, the weather!

We did talk about some adoption stuff. She told me that she had no idea on how to find me. She was sadden at the fact that all these years we were only 20 minutes apart from each other and that her father knew where I was all these years but didn't tell her. It was his decsion that broke the mother/daughter connection 33 years ago. Her mother wanted to keep me but because of his status  in the church, the talk around town and the fact that my bmom was only 15 and needed to finish school, my bgrandfther decided that putting me up for adoption was the best thing to do.

"I was with you in the hospital the whole time" says "B", "right up until they took you.  My heart sunk. I ordered my food not really knowing how to take it. I replied that I was adopted at 18months out of a foster home but I clearly did not know where I was for the previous months. Was I in the foster home from a baby? "B" did not know the answer and I clearly did not know. My adoptive mother would be able to answer that question but she died 10 years ago this month. I do have connection with my foster mother who just lives up the road form me. I guess if I want the answer than I will have to ask her.

As I sat listening to "B" tell me all about her relatives, I had a revelation of how I felt meeting her. 
I am usually a very emotional person. I can cry at the drop of a hat. SO I really thought that I would spend the whole time crying. I didn't shed a tear. Not even when we first laid eyes on each other.  I was sitting there feeling like I was talking to a friend that I haven't seen in a while.  We sent messages to each other everyday before we met and I was starting to feel a connection with "B". But that same connection did not play out at our reunion. I was just not feeling it. 

I've taken some time off from emailing "B" this week. She emailed me the breakdown of her mother and her father's families. As much as I was happy to get the family history, it added to the overwheming feeling that has taken over me.  It's a big family and I am not ready to open myself up to meeting them. I only have a desire to build a relationsip with "B" and my birthbrother "T".  I really wasn't ready for this emotional rollercoaster.  I've waited a long time for this reunion and now there are days where I feel like I could go the rest of my life not contacting her again. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME??? I was told that my feelings were normal. But I don't like them and so I find myself sleeping my sorrows away when I can. I have yet to cry. I feeling like crying but the tears just won't come out. Again, I was not ready for these feelings. I thought that the excitment, the joy would last forever cause I finally found what I've been looking for, MY BMOM. But my walls just want to go back up. CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN!

I did send "B" an email tonight and it made me feel good just to know that it is something that I can freely do. I told her that I was still here and that I am not going anywheres. I told her that I was just taking some time to  process it all.

Despite the bad feelings I have, this is a journey that I have stepped into and I am in it all the way.  I know  that building a relationship with "B" is going to take alot of time, energy and alot of prayer. I do know that "B" is in it all the way and has metioned several times in her emails that " now that I have found her, she doesn't want to let me go."  Deep down in my heart I do feel the same way about her.



"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE."  -Jeremiah 29:11

This is one of  my favorite verses in the Bible. It's so great to know that my relationship with "B" and "T" are part of God's plan for my life and so therefore whatever comes out of it will not harm me in any way even if at times it may look that way.  It's a stepping stone that will bring me closer to God, with a sense of security knowing that He knows how this will all come together.