So Close But Yet So Far Away

I was adopted at the age of 18months. Even though I was so young, I can remember bits and pieces of that day. I remember that I was wearing a yeallow frilly dress and I can remember the social worker bringing me into the home of my adoptive parents.  Those memories faded from my memory when I was younger but now I can recall them so clearly. I was in a foster home before I was adopted but really don't know much about when I went there or how long I was there. My adoptive family consisted of 2 older boys who were my  parents' biological sons and then later on, my sister of, no biological relation, was also adopted.

I can't remember at what age my parents told my sister and I that we were adopted but I knew that it was a shock to us. When my sister and I were younger, our brother's use to tease us all the time about being adopted but we didn't believe them. And so I believe that was when my parents decided to tell my
sister and I.  In the back of my mind though I knew that I was different but really couldn't put a finger on it.
 Growing up I can't say that knowing I was adopted didn't bother me, cause it did. But because of other circumstances going on in my life I built a wall around myself and blocked the feelings like they never existed.  I other things I had to deal with.

The family that I grew up in was a good christian family. We went to church every Sunday, my parents held small group at our house, they were very liked and well-known people. Even though love was not a commen word to come out of my parent's mouths, I knew that they loved me and I loved them. But their lack of showing affection has plainly affected me immensely. It's not the full reason why I hide myself behind walls but it is part of the reason (Other reasons I may write about at another time)....

So now let me skip ahead a few years to how I learned about my bmom's name

In 1995, my adoptive mother managed a corner store about 20 minutes from where I live. So I was working one day and a women and a little boy bring their stuff up to the counter. I looked the lady in the eyes and smiled like I did with all of my customers. I rung her stuff in and I smiled at the cute little boy that was with the lady. I could tell that he was  happy that his mother was buying  him a treat.....I remember this day so well.  When they left my amother askes me if I knew who that lady was. Not knowing what she was going to say, I answered no. Then she proceeded to tell me that it was my BIRTHMOTHER!!!! and told me what her name was.

Like WOW!!...I was thinking how was it that we were so close but yet so far away for all these years. Then the anger/resentment/jelousy/rejection sets in. I was wondering how/why did she have another child when she didn't want me? Curiosity lingered in my mind for a very long time but again a wall went up and I kept it all inside. From that one encouter I never forgotten "B's" face or her name. It was etched in my memory permanently. Whenever I travelled to the area where I first saw "B", I would always look around to see if I could see her. I did see her a few times including last summer but I never approached her. I mean what would I say?  "Hi, I'm the daughter you gave up for adoption, remember me?".  I would have never  done that. It just doesn't work that. I was hurt and I was not ready to deal with the adoption stuff.

Behind a wall it went.

So now it's 15 years......You can read what happened next in my 1st blog "IT'S ALMOST HERE"