All my life I've hidden myself behinds walls not to let anyone in. My insides are crying out but the outside shows that everything is ok. Afraid to show people how I really feel. Reaching out for help is a constant struggle. Why is that?
Why live in fear...?
Why live in shame...?
Why live in guilt...?
Why live in brokeness...?
Why keeps things so secretive...?
Why hide behind walls caused by abuse...?
Why is it that some people go through things and seem to can't see the light at the end of the tunnel while others can go throught the same thing and overcome and find healing?
Why is it so shameful to talk about things that have gone on in your past. Why hold these things inward and painfully suffer alone. It wasn't my fault to begin with.
How can we truly find forgiveness from the heart? Is it really that easy to do so? Things that deeply hurt and changed a life forever.....How do we forgive that person like God wants us to? You can't just erase the memories out of your head.
Where is it that my healing begins?
How do you have a relationship with the person that has hurt you the most but yet you feel like you need them in your life? or Do I really need them?
Does the person that has inflicted the pain suffer too? Do they walk around with the guilt of what they did? How do they continue on with their lives and then when they see you, don't show any remorse of what they have done? It's almost like nothing has happened but you are cringing inside with fear, guilt and shame everytime they come around.
Why is it that once wasn't enough. Why did I have to suffer over and over again. Would have thought that it was my fault. But I know that is a lie. Was there a sign on my forehead that made it ok for it to happen again and again?
If my life had of started out a different way would I have gone through what I have? It sure makes me wonder.
Would I have suffered from the pain of sexual abuse by the hand of my afather? and then later on by others?
Why did this have to happen to me?
to be continued..........
Songs of Inspiration
This post really spoke to me LB. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI can feel the pain in your post and I am sorry. I am not sorry that you wrote it but sorry that you feel it. Not that there is anything wrong with it. I feel lots of guilt over placing my daughter for adoption, but it really wasn't my choice. I was 15 and part of my healing is trying to forgive myself. I have found my daughter on a social network site and she has asked questions and stuff, but doesn't seem interested in me. I am able to see her updates and pictures, but I want so much more. Adoption is so hard. Reunions are even harder I think. It takes two to want the reunion.
ReplyDeleteI have no clue what the answers are to those questions...but I understand the questions themselves.
ReplyDeletexo